Bloodsport (day 3 of 3)

Toss one more off.

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Look folks, not all the puns can be winners.

Here we are at the grand finale!

8) Frank Dux vs Paco

The Fighters:

  • Frank Dux, the kumite’s new man-to-beat. Possessed of a new determination to win after visiting his buddy Ray in the hospital, and even outwitted the CID thugs pursuing him so he could attend. Played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.
  • Paco, the Muay Thai kickboxer we’ve seen a few times already. Never addressed by name on film and without any spoken dialogue, he nonetheless leaves an impression. (Would a modern action film give little bits of characterization to secondary/tertiary competitors like Pumola?) Played by Paulo Tocha.

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The Fight: Actually a nice little rev-up before the main course, suitably difficult for Frank but not an easy stroll through the park like his early fights.

As they start, Paco does the classic cheesy villain/bad guy wrestler thing where he holds out his fists so the two can bump together as a sign of respect, only when Frank goes in, Paco sucker-punches him in the face. Ha! Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

Ahem. Frank, always one to turn lemons into karate-lemonade, retaliates by tripping up Paco while he’s still on the ground. Paco gets up and Frank takes him down again. Soon enough, both are on their feet and just outright trading blows, even outright inviting the other to take free hits, which they absorb into their meaty thighs. It’s actually very cool, in its raging-testosterone way.

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There’s a deleted scene right after where they each drop their pants and see who’s got the biggest junk.

This goes on for longer than you might expect. Eventually, Frank’s power is too much even for Paco’s surely formidable calcium deposits, wearing him down. Dux finishes his enemy off with, what else, a high spin kick. On to the finals!

9) Chong Li vs Chuan Ip Mung

The Fighters:

  • Chong Li, the villain, of course. Played by Bolo Yeung.
  • Chuan Ip Mung, who seems to be one of those super fast kung fu fighters we saw before. Played by Dennis Chiu.

The Fight: Gonna be honest: this fight was unremarkable enough I apparently forgot to get any screen grabs for it.

Instead, just look at this and revel in what could have been.

Chuan is very fast and gets in a couple licks on the champ, but not enough to faze him. Soon, Li is countering everything, which puts the challenger down. He finishes with a verrrrrrry drawn-out punch to Chuan’s face while he’s lying motionless on the ground, which outright kills him.

Chong Li wants to revel in the glory, but is angered when the judges– and soon the crowd– turn away from him in order to pray for the fallen fighter. Writing them off as sentimental fools, Li has a quick warning for Frank before he sits back down: “You are next.” (Which sounds like “necks” with his accent, but I wouldn’t laugh at his English if I were you.)

10) The Final Showdown:

The Fighters:

  • Frank Dux
  • Chong Li

They prop up all but the middle the ring beforehand for some reason, so that most of the ground is now slightly inclined. Presumably it’s for the added challenge, but it seems unnecessary. Does any other sport do this?

Badminton, maybe?

Badminton, maybe?

Also, as the two prepare in their respective corners, the camera makes sure we see Chong Li’s coach furtively stash a little capsule of something into his shorts. Foreshadowing!

The two meet, and before the ref calls things to a start, Li– sporting Ray’s bandanna tied around his knee, because why not– does another nice little bit of intimidation: “You break my record. Now I break you.” [points to bandanna] “Like I break your friend.” The man has a way with words.

The Fight: Frank kicks Li right in the face as soon as the match starts. Proactive! Li responds by grabbing the referee and throwing him right at Frank, which makes you wonder why the ref (to the extent he serves any purpose to begin with) has to be physically IN the ring anyway– it’s at ground level, not like an elevated boxing ring, so he could still see just fine from a few steps outside. Anyway, the tactic is useless, because Frank just climbs right over the ref and delivers another jump kick.

"They don't pay me enough for this."

“They don’t pay me enough for this.”

At this point it’s pretty much Frank’s game. Li does score some big hits and gets a throw in, but Dux always comes back and is clearly the more skilled. A series of awkward and stiff punches drops the reigning champ to the ground, but just as Frank charges in for the big finish, Li, having “stealthily” ground up the capsule into powder, tosses it right into his opponent’s eyes. Like, in full view of everyone.

Chong Li tries to get in an immediate follow-up kick, but Frank still blocks it, which is hilarious. Soon enough, though, the powder starts to take effect, damaging Dux’s vision to the point of near blindness. He stumbles around like a confused baby.

Many years later, Jean-Claude would make a similar face when told he'd be co-starring with Dennis Rodman

Many years later, Jean-Claude would make a similar face when told he’d be co-starring with Dennis Rodman

This was always the part I hated most as a kid, not so much because the hero was getting beaten up but because it takes him waaaaaaay too long to remember something the audience showed him flashing back to like 70 minutes ago: namely, that he specifically trained to be able to fight blind. I mean, come on. There’s only so much slow-motion flailing and screaming you can do before it mutes the payoff.

Meanwhile, Chong Li is just beating the crap out of the helpless hero, though his grandstanding tendencies keep him from finishing Dux off too quickly. With the help of a repeated flashback, Frank is able to finally calm himself enough to enter the Zen zone where he can magically fight blind. He demonstrates this skill right away by plucking Li’s next punch right out of the air.

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He just catches that punch, by the way– he didn’t push it to the side right before this frame or something. It was nowhere NEAR his face. Is Chong Li blind too?

And I do mean “magically.” It’s not specified what the justification is for how he can fight without seeing (he can even distinguish between targets, as he proves when he deliberately doesn’t strike the referee when Li shoves the poor guy at him again), but presumably it’s by listening carefully and picking up the sounds/vibrations. However, this is a relatively small room filled with about a hundred screaming spectators– his sense of hearing would be completely boned here. Even the superhero Daredevil, whose powers are ridiculous, would have had his radar sense wrecked in this situation. But you know what? It’s that kind of movie. Frank Dux is a karate sorcerer, end of story.

In fact, if anything, Dux is even better from this point on. Before this, the villain was able to at least put up a good fight, but now he’s completely useless against Frank’s sense-deprived, slow motion and cheerful music-aided comeback; Li doesn’t even land a single hit. Dux should have blinded himself right from the beginning.

Frank knocks Li all over town, turning this into the biggest showcase yet for Van Damme’s acrobatic skills– the most impressive of which is when he for NO reason does a jumping split high into the air, and Li subsequently rolls right under it to no apparent tactical gain. This ridiculousness culminates with Frank delivering the exact same spin kick FOUR times, and Li just stands there like a dunce for all of them. After the last, Li falls to his chest, for once finding himself at the mercy of a deranged opponent.

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“Ah, I see now how this is not a nice thing to do to people.”

With some helpful encouraging from Dux, Chong Li does the unthinkable, shouting “matte!” and willingly surrendering. Total ownage!

Day Three is kind to the viewer by not diving straight into the final showdown, though it might have helped showing Li be a little more vulnerable– especially considering how much the hero is going to school him anyway at the end. Similarly, while the climactic match has some strong choreography, it could have been handled a bit better, been more even, and descended less into absurdity.

Or would it? Bloodsport is a curious case, where nostalgia and an ever-escalating cheese factor really do serve the movie better than tackling the (let’s face it, very silly) material straight-on would have. It does make a strange sort of sense for the movie to take a hard left turn into full-on camp at the conclusion.

Grade: A

Recommended Links: Once again we turn to Internet hero Seanbaby for the best paean to Bloodsport in this language or any other.

Coming Attractions: A smashing good time.

The madder Hulk gets, the more teeth-grinding Hulk does

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2 comments on “Bloodsport (day 3 of 3)

  1. nysepete says:

    Gotta tell ya… this was up there with the best “reviews” of anything I ever read on the Internet. Grammar, punctuation, detail, jokes, puns, hilarity!
    I read it along with watching the film.
    Thanks for the effort… and the entertainment!

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